My latest offering in this series isn’t a very positive one. The prospect of worthlessness is very much a fact I’m having to face far more than I wish I had to.
In recent times, my depression appears to have deepened. It’s deepened to a level I really hoped it wouldn’t. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic or cause concern, but it’s deepened to the point where I’ve found myself wondering what the point is in being alive.
I would like to stress that I would not ever go through with ending my own life. I couldn’t possibly do that to Caellum. There isn’t a chance that I would voluntarily cause myself to miss seeing my son grow up.
Suicide might not be a cause for concern; the fact I frequently feel I’d rather not be alive is. There are a multitude of factors as to why I feel this way. One of the main ones is that I haven’t achieved anything I hoped I would have by now and am still nowhere near making it happen. Sure, we can only really look forwards and looking back is something we should only do sparingly. The issue there is I’m sick to death of forever looking forwards. Everything I want seems always to be down the road and I never arrive there. At some point in that circumstance you’re going to look back and wonder if you made a wrong turn somewhere or even jack in the journey altogether.
Leading on from that is rejection. I’ve had my fill of it. Whether it be a girl I like, a job I attempt to go for, or a literary agent, I get rejected so much that I genuinely feel like giving up trying for anything at all. They say you have to be in it to win it; if you don’t try then you definitely never will succeed. I rebut that sentiment by saying that I never succeed when I do try, so what’s the difference if I don’t? At least, if I don’t try, I won’t have to worry about someone telling me I’m not good enough for what I’ve attempted to gain and condescendingly wishing me well for the future. Like you care!
I genuinely feel in myself that I’m good enough, more than good enough, to be doing so much better for myself than I am. I think I’m one lucky break away from starting to feel better about life, about myself. I might as well be waiting for a rocking horse to take a shit! The lucky breaks I get are very infrequent, extremely small, and always absolutely pointless. A decent paradigm of a lucky break for me: I go into a shop to buy a pint of skimmed milk and there’s only one left on the shelf. That’s it. That’s my luck used up for the next few weeks.
I don’t like feeling sorry for myself. I really, really don’t like it! I want to slap myself around the face and scream, “Shut up and get on with it!” I’ll give myself credit because I have got on with it in the main and continue to do so. I still write even if a large part of me has convinced myself that I’m not going to achieve the goals I’ve set for myself. I carry on regardless. It’s human nature to have those moments of feeling down and worthless.
One part of my feeling of worthlessness is pointing the finger of blame at others. It’s something I wish I didn’t do, yet it happens. I question why people, good friends and family, don’t appear to be paying any attention to what I’m doing. I question why I’m being left to do it all on my own. I wonder if they actually wish to see me fail if they can’t be bothered to do even the simplest of things to support me: a view; a cursory like; a “Well done. Good work”.
Then I remember that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I remember that my family and friends have their own goals to aspire to that require hard work. I remember that they probably feel exactly the same way I do. My friend Ian; he works full time, is fighting serious health issues, and trying to raise his profile as a photographer. I’m delighted to say he’s garnering fruit from his endeavours. It’s taken him a while, but he’s getting there. More to the point, he works damned hard at it. Do I like every single post he puts up? Do I go out of my way to ensure he keeps getting shown the support he needs? Nope! Does that mean I’m not rooting for him? Of course not. I’m just busy.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why logic will always top trump emotions in my mind. The latter might well be a regulating essential; logic is what should always be the frontman in any situation that requires thought. I’m too busy with all my stuff to show Ian ceaseless support; Ian is too busy to show ceaseless support to my endeavours. It’s called life!
My sense of worthlessness is rooted entirely within myself. It has nothing at all to do with the actions of other people. They value me in exactly the same ways that I value them. Some people show it to me more than others, much in the same way that I show more support to some people than others. It’s just the way it goes. I have to find worth in myself.
I don’t know where my writing journey is going to take me. I have no idea if I’m ever going to reach that destination at the end of the seemingly eternal road. All I know is that I’ll keep on travelling along it in the hope that I eventually make it. At this stage, it’s all I can do.
Written on 4th December 2018
The Adventures of an Average, White Man...© 
Wow 😮!!!
That was deep..and very engaging..
What deep emotions you dig up and put on paper…
You make some really good valid points.. about life as is..
If only we all could think and understand in this depth of what is happening around us.. and to us..
You know Paul..
You are self healing yourself..
And you are going to get past all this..
And thank god you have that son to keep you sane… and to give you someone other than yourself to. Keep you going forward…
You really have to most beautiful mind..
And you are blessed with a very talented gift… writing ✍️..
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Thank you very much. You’re too kind 🙂 I’m past the worst of what I was feeling and trying to get on with things. I was in a bad place for a bit and I’m so glad to be out of it. As you rightly say, my son will always be my reason for never completely giving up on myself.
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Good job 👏..
I’m so glad you have gotten past this rough spot.
It can only get better with time…
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That’s the hope I hold onto.
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I have been missing out on some awesome stories I’d say..
I will have to take me some Paul time and catch on these very interesting and good stories….
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They aren’t going anywhere. In your own time 🙂
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I will definitely get to them..
You are such a talented writer with such a great mind of creative imagination…
And your stories have such a big impact on readers like me…
So just use this passion to go forward with great optimism..
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Writing is my raison d’etre. If I gave that up then that’d be me giving up breathing essentially.
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I feel your pain Paul. We seem to be in the same boat, just different “industries”.
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It can be hard wondering what the point is in carrying on, but then I remember how writing makes me feel and that’s enough to drag me back into the game every time.
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The cemented idea that you do have something to go on for is a seriously important tool and I am very happy you have it. The realization that everyone is fumbling along in their lives and paying less attention to us than we’d like, not because they don’t care, but because they probably are just striving to run their own lives, is a big one. I am glad you’ve pointed it out as a lot of people feeling alone and ignored could benefit of the idea, maybe even soothed of the fact. You have a great writing talent and I am doubly glad for your persistence; it is a virtue few have.
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I definitely agree that people would benefit from realising that others are often just a bit too wrapped up in trying to get by in their own day to day shit. I’m not saying that some folk are ignorant and choose not to assist their artist friends because they can’t be arsed; there are many like that; however, not all of them are. There isn’t a big conspiracy for me to fail and I know that logically.
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Well I hope your logical brain gets pushy and takes over the thought train for a good long while, it can sure make life easier. Hope your doing well.😊
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I’m surging forth as best I can. Well, maybe not the absolute best I can. I could perhaps be doing more.
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Paul, you love writing and get enjoyment and satisfaction from it, don’t ever think of giving it up because it keeps you sane and helps you cope with the world, I am sure all your friends and family will always support you in what you want to do, and of course there’s Caellum, he will keep your depression at bay, how can that beautiful boy not. I am always here for you and always will be xx
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I couldn’t give it up. It’d just make me feel even worse if I did. I just end up up in these moments where I wonder what the point even is because I’m not progressing as quickly as I’d like. I couldn’t give up though. xxx
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This is a really important piece of writing and I’m glad you shared it. I notice you wrote it over a month ago…do you feel any shift since then? I’m not judging or telling you how to think as I validate and empathise with how you feel. Rejection and a seeming lack of progress is a cause for depressed feelings in so many of us (me included). I don’t think you’re not trying at all as i know you are, and I know how persistence in the face of adversity and pressure is depressing. If you didn’t feel hopeless or helpless then I’d be surprised, as this is the human condition in this ‘Everyone can make it if we hustle’ social climate. I’ve been reading Matt Haig’s brilliant book “Notes on nervous planet” and it’s made me think on a deep level about modern life and humanity and the impact of technology and other factors on our wellbeing. I often wrestle with existential issues like this and I think so do many people, (if they have a brain.) Depression is all about learned helplessness, and feeling worthless is an offshoot of that. I won’t stop reading your blog. I don’t read the ones that look scary due to my own issues but please know I’m wanting success for you.
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Haha. I’m well aware of the fact you don’t like reading scary stuff, so I’m not offended by that at all. Everything is about perception, and this is why I value logical thought so highly because I know the way I feel is often completely irrational and rooted in insecurity. Because I feel myself to be a useless failure I can’t comprehend that others don’t view me in the same way.
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Yep. Emotional reasoning. I get it. I’m just the same. The difficulty is our emotions are more compelling than our ability to rationalise and emotionally respond accordingly.
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Exactly this. There’s a shining good reason most of us go with our hearts and not our minds.
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I know this post was written over a month before being published and so your outlook may be different now, but I still want to offer virtual hugs and moral support. I definitely relate to the feeling you describe when it comes to feeling like you have nothing to show for your efforts. Just know that you’ve got adoring fans of your blog who are rooting for you!
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I know it. Of course I do. I just feel extremely isolated at times and it makes me doubt everything and everyone. I just can’t allow these times to consume me and cause me to act irrationally.
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