Hate is a strange thing. It can strike at any time based on the actions of others or events beyond our control. The hate switch is flicked on mostly via impulse. It’s rare that it grows from nothing. It’s usually something that happens and then stops happening. At least that’s how it happens in my experience.
There are very few people I genuinely hate. Usually when I feel this strongest of negative emotions it’s because a person has done something I don’t like and, more often than not, it’s the action they take that I hate rather than the person themselves. Having said that there are people I hate.
There’s a person I went to school with that I hate. He was a vicious, nasty, spiteful, and jealous boy in my year at school who always had horrible things to say and bore all the hallmarks of a garden variety bully. He wasn’t a very good bully. He felt he could intimidate me and always failed miserably. I think that was maybe why he disliked me so much. The other reason was that he had always been obsessed with a girl that I ended up in a relationship with for a short while.
He tried bullying me one day while I was getting changed after P.E. and I was singing a song with my best friend. We were obviously getting on his nerves and he growled at me quite viciously and threateningly to shut up. I didn’t. I carried on. He didn’t scare me even remotely. Why would I be scared of such a pathetic person?
The best episode with this troglodyte, however, was when I was leaving school one day. I was walking down the road outside school with another friend and this guy started having a go. True to form I ignored him. He wasn’t worth listening to and certainly wasn’t worth talking to. The next thing I know the cowardly prick hit me on the side of my head from behind; a total blindside. Well it had to be, didn’t it? He was too much of a pussy to challenge me face on. My options were to hit him back or go and inform the teacher on the gate.
Two things would have happened had I hit him back. First of all I wouldn’t have stopped hitting him. Second of all I would have ended up in trouble. While he was worthy of the first he definitely wasn’t worth the second. So I decided to go with the option of telling the teacher. To the day I feel I made the right decision, although I dearly would have loved to get some form of retribution on the scumbag. His gormless face would have looked good with the imprint of my fist on it!
Why do I still hate him after all this time? I’m not sure. I should really feel nothing but apathy where he’s concerned. It has been eighteen years since that incident after all. Unfortunately that sensation of loathing has never gone away and it never will. Obviously he’s forgotten about everything as he tried to add me on Facebook a few years back. How fucking dare he? The fact that he’s made peace with himself and likely forgotten that day after school makes me hate him all the more.
Here’s a direct message to the miscreant: I hope your life has been nothing but abject misery and continues to be abject misery until the day you die. You might well have grown up and changed since those days. To me, however, you’ll always be that cocky and vicious bully. If some poor woman has been unfortunate enough to breed with you then I hope the child encounters a person just like you so that you can see what I had to put up with. Wanker!
He isn’t the only person I hate. I also hate a former so-called manager from a place I used to work. I disliked half of the managers anyway, but one in particular makes my blood boil whenever I think about him. I shan’t go into detail about why I hate him as the event that spawned the hatred still affects the present in some ways. I will say, though, that the man is a weasel of the highest order; a man who was handpicked as a manager because the person in charge of the operation was a friend. He certainly didn’t get the job on merit. He was about the worst manager I’ve ever encountered and that’s saying something about the place I worked which was (and I daresay still is) rife with nepotism and corruption. Rare was it that people achieved elevated positions on merit.
This manager’s actions impacted my life in a massive way; a way in which I have never fully recovered since. I know he doesn’t give a rat’s arse about that. He probably still gleans some sick satisfaction from it. He no doubt feels justified in his actions and that I got what was coming to me. While I don’t believe in the misrepresented ideal of karma (what goes around comes around – karma doesn’t mean that at all in its traditional sense), I hope, if it does exist, it bites my former manager hard. I hope terrible things happen to him as it’s no less than the abhorrent walking disease deserves.
I often use the word hate. I say it too much as a general feeling towards things. It’s a strong word because of the emotion attached to it and, by that yardstick, I can say I definitely use it out of context and more frequently than necessary.
Hate is not a good thing to feel. It consumes you and makes you bitter. Apathy is always a hundred times better than hatred. Wanting a person to fail and wishing misery on them should be something nobody experiences. In some ways I feel bad about my hatred for the abovementioned people. Not because I feel bad for them in any way. I feel bad for myself and the fact that I carry these nasty things inside me over them. They aren’t worth the space they occupy in my memory and I wish I could purge them from my consciousness. Unfortunately that doesn’t look likely to happen. I’m too set in my ways where they’re concerned.
I wish people wouldn’t do things that cause me to feel hatred, even fleetingly. There’s nothing good about the sensation. Unfortunately there seems no way to eradicate people doing badly by others and no way for people to be truly empathetic, at least not on a grand scale. When people do nasty things it’s always going to raise a sense of loathing. That’s understandable. What isn’t understandable is those who hate another for doing something that isn’t really harmful, it’s just that they don’t like it personally. That’s unjustifiable hatred. When you hate another person for thinking or feeling different to you about certain subjects then, in my opinion, you’re on your way to becoming a megalomaniac. If not then you already are one.
Hatred is a touchy subject. It’s an emotion too often verbally spouted, yet, I think, nowhere as often genuinely felt. It’s a very artificial emotion. When a human is born it seems to instinctively know what love is. Hate is something that’s taught. We—as parents and members of society—are responsible for spreading, teaching and glorifying hatred and children pick up on it. It makes you wonder what the next generation of children would be like if none at all were exposed to hate.
The very idea is preposterous of course. With the current climate of things there is absolutely no chance that hatred won’t be preached to our young. Let’s face it: some sects of society thrive off preaching it. It’s their sole objective. If anything I fear that the problem of hatred on a global scale is only going to increase. I suppose in some small doses it can be a good thing as a method of self-preservation. It is, after all, a form of wariness and distrust. These days there are too many bad people out there to willingly place trust in everybody.
So how do we combat hatred? That’s the crux, isn’t it? I suppose, as mentioned previously, the only real alternative to hatred is apathy. How do you teach apathy to a child? How do you explain to a child what apathy is and when to feel it without telling them about hatred as well? It’s all rather a big paradox.
I guess, in conclusion, there is no eradicating hate. I suppose the only real option is try to minimise it as best we can.
The Adventures of an Average, White Man...© 
I am moved by your post right now. I’m going through some real life nonsense and my hate for a person is welling up. Hate is a blindsiding emotion for me. I strive to always be fair in life so I cling to empathy for a way to understand actions of others. Still, once hate manifests towards someone, it is almost impossible to shake. I, too, have a person from high school that will always reside on the self of hatred in my heart for better or worse until I die. I’m sure she has moved on and doesn’t even remember the unpopular shy bookworm she used to bully to tears and yet she still graces my memories from time to time. There is a point of no return when dealing with people that once that line is crossed it is set.
I teach my children love. My parents before me taught love and empathy. I have started letting the girls know that all their emotions are valid and encourage them to talk about them “good” or “bad”. I think finding the right connections with my kids and letting them express and talk about what weighs on their minds now will open up avenues of deeper conversations in the future when they have need of parental guidance where hate is concerned.
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Very well said Paul. Hatred is such a very heavy burden..yet it comes in to the heart so easily and just decides to sit still refusing to leave. The only way as you have said is to just minimise it as it can’t be eradicated. I sure do hate the feeling of hatred but there are just some people that love to be hated and I try as much as possible to avoid them and try to keep love in my heart. Thanks for sharing this interesting post Paul.
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All you can do is try to focus on the positive feelings and emotions. As you say, you can’t get rid of the bad feeling, but you can ignore them until the time is right to deal with them (something I’d always advise as I think repression is really unhealthy).
I hope you’re well. Feels like ages since we last connected. I’ll try and catch up with what I’ve missed of yours soon.
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True to focus on positive feelings. Thanks Paul. Yes it’s been a long time we connected, I’ve been quite overwhelmed recently with activities going on in my life presently but all is well. Hope you are getting on well too. I wish you all the best💝
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This was a really interesting post. The point you made about apathy never being taught alongside hate is a bloody good point that I’ve never considered. The black of hate and the white of love are taught, and instinctively felt, respectively. Another mind bender post…I love the strength of your voice when you write. Your incisive directness is refreshing. I’m sorry you encountered those arseholes. There are way more pricks with narcissistic tendencies than I ever knew there were. I see the signs early now of who is toxic and who is enriching…but I never did as a child. Childhood is about learning, and lots of mistakes are made. We trust people who we shouldn’t. We give people the benefit of the doubt needlessly and undeservedly. We struggle to comprehend the differences in moral codes. I have a lot of suspicion and negativity and distrust towards certain people. My radar is super sensitive. I despise people who hurt me, even if they say it wasn’t intentional, because that person doesn’t get to decide if they hurt you. If you’re hurting because of them, they can’t argue their way out of their role as aggressor just because it doesn’t fit with their nicey nicey distorted and unrealistic self image. I hope this comment makes sense?? I’m bloody knackered tonight 😂🙈🙊👐
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Your comment makes perfect sense. Especially on the front of people who do things and say they weren’t to cause intentional grief; as though that somehow removes accountability. With those kinds of people it’s all about not looking the bad guy as opposed to being an actual good guy. It is depressingly easy to veer immediately towards hate when feeling anything less than neutral because of how much hatred is justified in everyday society when, with more apathy, there would be far less bad shit go down in this world.
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It’s weird though as yesterday I upset several people (because the defensive part of my personality was activated) and then today wrote an apology status on Facebook explaining why I reacted that way, saying I didn’t intend to upset them. Does that make me fall into that dodgy category that you describe? For me, I upset people when I’m hurting myself (because I find it hard to not externalise my intense feelings when they arise so I emote) Yesterday I posted about men being arseholes because three blokes had pissed me off in one day, but I got slated for that. I tried to defend myself explaining when I’m emotionally compromised my thinking gets distorted…trying to help people explain BPD, but do you think im just trying to excuse my behaviour when I’m upset and justify it wrongly? Not asking these questions in am arsey way….just because I want to understand it myself. I’m troubled today by my personality and ability to upset people. Does mental illness make me less culpable and accountable for sometimes making social mistakes? Or is it unfair to blame my brain disorder? I don’t know hun…I’m just feeling very out of sorts with the world and that I’m not meant to be on this planet. I don’t fit anywhere 😦 Someone said I needed to be kinder to others…which upset me as I am kind to so many people and is invest hours every day messaging people and supporting them. One angry post seems to overshadow all that in people’s minds. Sorry for hijacking your post with my own crap btw. Just thinking out loud.
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I think that in your scenario people have an obligation to do one of two things: either accept that you’re prone to outbursts or not be involved in your life. Your condition justifies your irrationality in my opinion. In the same way that PTSD is a perfectly reasonable justification for things like depression, anxiety, etc. I’m talking primarily here about people who are knowingly acting in a passive aggressive (or sometimes just spitefully aggressive) manner. You wear your heart on your sleeve and are very forthcoming about your mental ails so, for me, those who know you should expect you to react to situations on a whim and not judge you, especially in a public forum.
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I’m relieved you think that. I accept I’m fucked up and emotionally reactive. I know I have a dodgy world brain due to trauma, but some people insist still on judging me by normal social parameters. Like telling a disabled person that they should make more effort to be up on their feet walking…it isn’t that easy. I hate my personality atm 😦 It gets me in a lot of bother. Grrrr.
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That’s the perfect analogy (the ‘telling a disabled person they should make more effort to walk’ one). People who know you and know of what you endured should really be a little more tactful when giving you their condescending pearls of wisdom.
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I don’t want to be pandered too to extreme degrees, but I do hope for some realisation that I’m doing my absolute best at all times, even when my best isn’t good enough.
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You can do better than your best. If you do better than your best then that immediately becomes your best and is no longer better than your best. I like the day after drinking. I form sentences that are both really confusing and really profound at the same time. Haha.
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What a strong emotional post.I read once somewhere that hate is a poison you administer yourself. I think a great way to deal with it is actually empathy. Put yourself in their shoes and when you see them as merely a product of an unknown environment and that its not you with the problem, but that it’s their’s to live with for life. It makes it easier to just forget their misdeeds. Awesome hard hitting writting to start off again.😃
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Empathy is definitely a better alternative to hatred. Though it can often be difficult to feel empathetic in the light of ones actions if the action is unnecessary and hurtful. Empathy, for me, is something commonly misused by people of a far left wing stance who wish to appear virtuous and embracing of of everything that isn’t their own. In fact they’ll often even turn on their own culture, way of life and people in order to seem even more virtuous and empathetic; completely negating their apparent ‘I’m not a hateful person’ attitude.
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I agree, sounds like way to much work to not sound like a hipocrite.
In general, I empathize but don’t sympathize. There in lies the difference. I actually have a pretty shallow well of sypathy. It just helps me to not let others affect my thinking with their shittiness. See, what a great thinker of a post.
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Sympathy is something I only reserve for fitting occasions. To me it’s something one can only truly feel when they have a level of understanding of another’s plight. It’s a word, like so many others, that is often misused in that respect. Just like empathy I suppose. Often those two words are muddled. Luckily I’m a swot and I have looked up what each word (apathy, empathy, and sympathy) means and their historical roots so everyone can just bow down to my infinite wisdom 😂 Seriously though, I’m glad this post got your cogs a-turnin’. All I ever want to do with this blog is enlighten and entertain.
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Well done then, oh masterful wordsmith! 😃
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Haha. I’m just a nerd who likes to know stuff. Especially words because their misuse annoys me.
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