As it’s April 1st I feel some foolishness is in order. I’ve been a bit too serious of late and would like to drag things back to a more shallow and humorous note.

Let’s face it; we’ve all thought about what we’d do if we came into an obscene amount of money. Here in Britain, I can guarantee everyone looks at those stupidly huge Euromillions jackpots and daydreams about being a rich bugger.

When the question “What would you do if you were mega rich?” comes up I have an answer prepared that’s split into four parts.

First, I would invest in Stockport County and turn them into what I hate the most; a bankrolled football club. I think we Hatters have suffered for long enough since we went into administration in 2009. We’ve never properly recovered and nosedived three divisions since to our lowest level ever! Unlike AFC Fylde, Salford City, North Ferriby, and whoever else, Stockport County deserve to be bankrolled. Why? Because I damned well say so, that’s why!

Secondly and thirdly, I would start a record label and a publishing house and incorporate the two. I’d release great music and great books to the world. I’d also be able to publish my own stuff as well as work on making my own music (something else I’ve always dreamed of doing).

Finally, I would purchase a disused mill or warehouse and open a superclub. The first two people I would approach to DJ in the club as residents are Stu Allan and Shaun Lever. Although the idea of owning a nightclub sounds stressful, it also sounds like a lot of fun. Besides, I’ll be too rich for it to cause me any massive stress.

Those are the big things I’d do if I was rich beyond the dreams of avarice.

Now I’m going to talk about stupid things I’d do just to amuse myself. If you were super rich and didn’t do stupid things just to amuse yourself then you wouldn’t deserve to be super rich in my opinion. If you’re a long time reader of this blog then you’ll know to expect some eccentricity next. If you’re a newcomer… well, I’d hold onto something if I were you!

Get a garish tailored suit with a top hat and cane then walk around my hometown – Let me be as succinct as I can in describing my hometown of Ashton-under-Lyne. It’s a bit of a dump! It’s not the worst town in the world; however, it’s a long, long way from the best. The town centre appears to be undergoing somewhat of a renaissance. The old council offices have been demolished and are being replaced with something brand spanking new, the market has been redeveloped and the Ladysmith Centre is about to open a host of new shops. Will that make the town centre more attractive a prospect to consumers? We’ll see. In the meantime, it’s a bit on the desperate side in terms of what and who is there.

Then suddenly a sight appears. An average height man in a neon lime coloured suit with top hat and cane walks along with his nose in the air and an arrogant sneer. It’s me. It’s super rich me. I do and say nothing apart from walk one lap around the town centre in a slow gait, twirling my cane. There’s no reason given for it and I flat out ignore anybody who asks. I climb into a waiting limousine and go home. The end.

Have somebody construct me a pirate ship – Allow me to enlighten you on something. The reason I’m writing a novel set in and around the Golden Age of Piracy isn’t just because I had the idea to. It’s because I love pirates. I think they were fascinating people. I want to be a pirate. I want to wear a tricorne, an eyepatch and ragged clothing complete with a sword (a rapier preferably) and a whole bunch of flintlock pistols. The Golden Age of Piracy was bloody, violent, and dangerous. It was also romantic; an age of discovery, excitement, and when men were men. For all of its hazards I can imagine that period was filled great fun and good times as pioneering people discovered this new part of the globe (and systematically got rid of all those who were there to begin with, but that’s another story). The age when sailing was having its last hurrah before steam power took over.

I simply am not impressed when I see vessels of nowadays. Not by a single one. I don’t care. Yet when I see one made entirely of wood I’m immediately reverent. They’re beautiful! With that in mind, rich me would order the construction of a replica 17^th-18^th century brig. I would also purchase working cannons. Then I’d assign a crew to cosplay the crap out of it every so often when the fancy took us. I’d go full Golden Age of Piracy for as long as we were out on sea. I’d buy other vessels to tow along so we could open up the cannons for target practice once out on international waters. I’m being serious about this too. All of this would happen with 100% certainty.

Go mental with Lego, Scalextric and Hornby – There’d be a room in the huge house I’d live in devoted to a Lego city, a mammoth Scalextric circuit and a network of Hornby model train railways complete with timetables and the works. It would be a childhood fantasy world at its absolute pinnacle. How much time I would spend in the room depends entirely on what else I had to do. That wouldn’t matter though. I’d be filthy rich so I wouldn’t have to justify my actions to anybody. I’d pop in occasionally and play make-believe.

I absolutely loved Lego as a kid and still do, though I think it’s lacking nowadays compared to the past. I had a Hornby model trainset and it was great except for the fact that I didn’t get to expand on it as much as I wanted. I didn’t ever get a Scalextric. I asked for one loads of times and never got one. I’d put that to rights and then some as a rich man!

Buy a crap car and get it tuned up so it was ridiculously quick – Imagine the scene. A man in his Audi pulls up at some lights. Then a guy in a shed of a car, an Austin Metro or something, pulls up next to him. Audi Man hears the rev of an engine and notices Metro Man looking at him with narrowed eyes, pointing at the road ahead. Audi Man roars with laughter. What is this Metro driving moron doing? He takes up the challenge nonetheless and readies his Audi for the race.

The lights turn green.

To Audi Man’s horror, Metro Man leaves him embarrassingly in his wake. What Audi Man didn’t realise is that the Austin Metro had been tuned up with no expense spared by the filthy rich owner driver. The engine is a work of art; however, the shell of the car has remained as unimpressive as it ever was, up to and including the rust it’s garnered with age.

I want to smoke people driving cars they consider untouchable in a crap rust heap for no other reason than to emasculate them. People like that essentially live vicariously through their awesome car. They’re lacking in personality or charisma and yet become automatically narcissistic in spite of their shortcomings because of their car. I’d take pleasure in making their lives seem worthless. They’d never forget the day when that twenty-five year old Austin Metro left them for dust!

Find a miserable person working a minimum wage job and employ them in a weird capacity for ten times their current wage – This could perhaps be seen as selfless. I feel for people who work in any kind of customer facing role. I’ve been there so often and in so many ways.

There you are working your minimum wage job and taking flak from every angle. Customers, managers, and colleagues giving you grief in whatever way they can. In those moments of quiet contemplation, you realise that life could only be worse if you were broke, and homeless. Your superiors will bang on incessantly about how important it is that you go the extra mile for the company that only deems you worthy of paying the very least they can get away with doing. The balance weighs so heavily in the favour of the company that it practically sends you flying off the scales.

As a customer, I come across so many people working these miserable, dead-end jobs who look like they’d rather be in a casket. We walk into these places and expect the workers to be nice and friendly. How can we expect that? The sweeping statement “they chose to work there” is so short-sighted. Decidedly few people who work in retail do so by choice. It’s unskilled labour and about the easiest job a person can land; a desperate job for desperate people. I expect neither niceness nor friendliness from them and I’m massively grateful for either I receive.

Rich me would find himself at a loose end one day and head into some minimum wage paying store. He’d proceed to seek out the most miserable looking person he could find, explain to them that he’s mega rich, and looking for a person to work barely half as hard as they’re currently doing for ten times the pay. The job would be offered to them on the spot. The role would be whatever rich me dreamt up on the spot. If they didn’t accept immediately and quit their job in that moment then I’d continue to another store and repeat the process until somebody did. I’d follow through and literally employ them in the position I offered too. Why? Because I know I’d make them the happiest person in the world by doing so. They’d no longer feel worthless and like they were giving more than they were getting.

That concludes the five stupid and/or pointless things I would do if I was filthy rich. I probably wouldn’t say the last one was stupid except maybe to other rich people.

I think we all dream of what it might be like to be so rich that we wanted for nothing. It doesn’t matter what importance you place on money; to get anything these days you’ll need it and the more you have, the easier your life will be (unless you’re the kind who’s prone to daft mistakes and makes problems for yourself for no reason). Money doesn’t make you happy, but if you have it then you should definitely pursue things that will help put a smile on your face. If not then you’re your own worst enemy. You have a better chance of doing exotic things than others so take it!

What daft things would you do if money was no object? Would you do daft things at all? What do you make of my list of daft things? Comments will be replied to in due course as always. Thank you for visiting my world and I hope you’ll come again soon.