Find Me a Find – Chapter Seven

Catch up with previous chapters by clicking this link.

The feeling of guilt coupled itself with a feeling of annoyance expressly because he felt guilty. Why on earth should he feel guilty for enjoying his conversation with Chantelle? It’s not like he was secretly in a relationship with her or anything. She was a really nice girl and very chatty. He spent most of Thursday night, Friday and Saturday messaging her. It was all quite normal conversation with a hint of flirting, but nothing too heavy. The best thing about it was that it cheered Niall up aside from the aforementioned pangs of guilt.

Thursday night rolled into Friday. Friday passed in the blink of an eye; even with the inclusion of a few pints at the local on Friday evening. He found he was very quick to respond to Chantelle’s messages, but would often leave Fiona waiting awhile.

That said, he was admittedly partly excited about seeing Fiona. She might have hurt him, but he was still utterly beguiled by her. He didn’t tell Chantelle about her. It was too soon for familiarity like that. He didn’t want to risk alienating her if things weren’t going to reach a happy conclusion with Fiona.

Ordinarily, Niall would go out on a Saturday afternoon and enjoy a few beers while the football was on. He was never really bothered about who was playing and only ever did it for the social aspect. On this particular Saturday, he decided to stay at home instead and play on his console which wasn’t greeted too favourably by his friends. They badgered him for the reason why he didn’t want to come out, but he told them nothing. For some reason it was mainly because he didn’t want them thinking badly of Fiona rather than protecting himself.

The day passed by and gave way to the evening. He’d arranged to go to Fiona’s at 7pm where she’d cook him dinner, but he made sure he was intentionally late and didn’t even leave his house until twenty past. Before he left, Chantelle messaged him with a photo of what she was wearing for her night out. The alarm bells rang in that instant. This was her displaying her tail feathers for him. There was no denying that she looked stunning and he made sure to tell her so. When she responded by saying it was a shame he wasn’t there to see her in the flesh that confirmed his suspicions. She was definitely interested. It stuck in his mind more than he imagined it might.

Fiona went out of her way to prepare a delicious meal for Niall and it didn’t touch the sides. He was impressed with her culinary prowess. After dinner, they retired to the sitting room where Fiona poured them wine and the two talked everything through.

“I’m just not sure I could ever feel comfortable sharing you, Fee. I don’t think I can handle being the other guy.”
“There’s no way I can explain that’ll make you understand, but you aren’t the other guy. You’re the one I yearn for when I’m alone. You’re the one who makes my heart pound and lights my fire. James lost that ability a while ago.”
“So end it with him and be with me.”
“It isn’t that simple, Niall.”
“Why? Why the hell isn’t it that simple?”
“He depends on me. He’s had to go through a lot of crap and I’m the only real support he has. If I ended it then I’d be scared of what would become of him.”
“Some support you’re offering if you’re getting nailed by another bloke,” Niall said; attempting to keep his emotions in check.
“Mental and emotional support is worth much more than sexual support. Don’t think I don’t feel bad for cheating, but it’s hardly my fault you’re impossible to resist.”
Please! Don’t insult my intelligence, Fee.”
“I’m not! You don’t think I’m absolutely infatuated by you? Can you not tell how much I light up whenever you enter a room? I adore you.”
“Yes; I’ve felt it from the start, but people can pretend. You tell your fella that you love him while seeing me behind his back. My doubt can’t come as much of a surprise.”
“I do love him. It’s really tough to explain. I guess the only way I can say it is that my love for him is the kind where I feel protective and worry for him. With you, it’s raw passion where I can’t stand to be away from you.”

Niall tried to stop himself from feeling deeply flattered, but he couldn’t help a surge of adrenaline. He wanted to resist Fiona, but she was simply too beautiful. He wanted to play hard to get, but he was desperate to feel her touch. He could feel his resistance melting away and he was angry with himself for it. She gave him the puppy dog eyes and lightly touched his leg. His first instinct was to remove it. It was still his instinct as he reached over, put his hand on her face and kissed her. He soon became very aware that instincts couldn’t override the sensation of desire as the kissing very quickly turned into sex right there on the sofa.

The remorse was abundantly prevailing. He didn’t feel guilty about the fact that he’d spent the night making love to a woman who was in a relationship, nor even that he’d agreed to carry on seeing her. The guilt was entirely internal. He felt bad on himself. That he was doing himself a disservice. He knew that he deserved better than to be the “other guy” and no matter how Fiona dressed it up, that’s exactly what he was. The problem was that he simply couldn’t ignore the feelings he had. He couldn’t ignore the attraction, both physical and mental. She had him hooked.

What he felt as a result was self-loathing. It was still morning, but all he wanted to do was get drunk. Drinking wouldn’t solve his problems and well he knew it, but it was all he could think of to try and numb the negative sensations.

Niall resisted the urge to go to the pub for all of an hour after he got home from Fiona’s. He stayed there all afternoon and all evening right the way through until closing time. By the time he left, he was completely wasted. The entire day was a blur. As he stumbled half-dressed into bed, he attempted to remember some of what had happened, but all he got was vague flashes. Only sleep would cure it. He lay back; the room spinning around him. It didn’t take very long before the void of sleep encompassed him; his mind too frazzled even to dream.


Title image from Shine Aloud.

12 thoughts on “Find Me a Find – Chapter Seven

  1. Damn. This is one hell of a tangled love triangle. On the one hand, I am quite angry with Fiona for her infidelity; it is grossly immoral and unfair to both James and Niall. On the other hand, her conflicting feelings for the two relationships make a surprising about of sense. Your story really is exposing the many layers to dating and relationships. It’s so much more than physical attraction and things possibly going stale over time, and you do a really great job of highlighting the complexities (complications, haha?) of how relationships grow and change over time. The fact that Fiona feels this almost motherly protection over James makes her dilemma feel a lot more real and understandable to the reader. To be honest I’m not sure what I hope happens with the love triangle. On the one hand, I yearn for Niall to get the undivided attention and love he deserves; on the other, it sounds like Fiona really does deeply care for James on an emotional level.

    Can’t wait for the next installment!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. So many people view relationships as being black and white believing that’s how they (and people by default) should be. That’s an extremely narrow minded viewpoint in my opinion. Very little in life is black and white, least of all love and relationships because they involve a lot of heart and decidedly little mind. It would be easy for a person to point the finger at Fiona and say “everything you are doing is wrong,” but without understanding exactly what is going on in her mind and the relationship itself, that statement is sweeping at best. What she’s doing isn’t right from a moral standpoint; to that there’s no argument. That said, she is massively conflicted emotionally and isn’t sure in herself what’s right and wrong anymore. It’s wrong morally, but feels right to her as all voids are filled. The problem is that what she’s doing is a temporary measure and is very likely to implode on her the longer it goes on because its main ingredient is betrayal.

      I do enjoy our psychological picking apart of fictional characters. Haha.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I absolutely agree. I used to be an incredibly black and white thinker, but the older I get, the more of a firm believer I become that nothing in life is black and white. As you say, this is especially true for matters of the heart. I absolutely do not condone any form of cheating. However, that being said, just because I don’t condone something does not mean I can’t appreciate the things that would lead someone to that behavior. Her actions are undoubtedly wrong, but I absolutely understand her feeling of having an emotional (almost motherly) affiliation for one person, but a carnal desire for another. I daresay that many people have been in such a situation, only they don’t act upon it.

        And me too! Psychoanalyzing literary characters is quite fun!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The very idea of being attracted to only one person on the entire planet is preposterous. It totally negates the natural instinct that lives within us all. And yet some people out there seem to think that first supposition is EXACTLY how things should be. The ego that exists within some folk boggles the mind. Nobody can deny their natural urges, but of course we can use our conscience to suppress it and that’s where fidelity and monogamy comes in. There are those people in whom the natural instinct is too strong and they find it difficult to suppress. They can love a person dearly, but that natural side of them always ends up winning out. I think people seem to forget that we are all animals and the way we live our lives is totally unnatural in the strictest sense. That’s not to say that people acting on natural impulses are “right”. We are conscious beings and therefore have to live that kind of a life. Our huge brains are our greatest gift and our greatest curse.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Stupid bitch Fiona… jussayin’… I dunno how she thinks the sexual relationship is the primary and the mental and emotional relationship is “the other” especially given it was the first… smh. Clearly when her passions die down, Niall would be the first to be let go

    Liked by 1 person

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